All of us face the choice and challenge of forgiveness. Whether as beneficiaries or as benefactors. While passing through the life stages we label as adolescence, adulthood, middle-age and the transition into old age, my perception of forgiveness has constantly changed according to my ability to absorb new information and to adopt new perspectives. My understanding of the process has recently undergone yet another of these changes. One I wish to share with any who may be as in need of the tutelage as I was.
My spiritual, mental, emotional and physical growth have occurred in fits and starts along my own way and have not even remotely kept abreast of each other. Like random groups of salmon resting before numberless waterfalls, these aspects of my unfolding are scattered all over the river and up nameless creeks.
In an attempt to bring them all up to their respective spawning grounds, I am currently engaged in a renewed effort to accomplish a levelling of my awareness and a renewed sharing what I find along that path as I do so. May this new information further illuminate my writings. The stiff neck required to navigate the man-made, monetized, competitive society many of us live in is the very culprit that prevents our openness to alternate perspectives that are capable of the magic to morph our worlds for the better.
Catastrophe can and does serve as a spiritual, mental, emotional and physical catalyst and I have recently been in personal situations that have had beneficial effects, paid for by temporary chaos and washed with tears. The same is true for blessings such as the birth of a grandchild or our deliverance from harm in an accident or the recovery of an ill loved one.
For much of my life, I regarded forgiveness as a repugnant chore akin to cleaning vomit off of a shag carpet. Something to be bestowed on unworthy souls in order to elevate ones own ego. That interpretation was a subtly crafted handy reason for me to not to indulge in the practice and to feel very noble at the same time.
I must here and now share with you a newer, deeper understanding of the topic as I now grasp it. What I am speaking about is that when viewed with a wide enough scope, it will begin to dawn on us that forgiveness is very likely the most purely selfish act we will ever engage in. It was quite surprising to me, when a guided meditation I was doing recently presented this view.
This learning contains the powerful magic of transforming a perceived repugnant chore, disguised as a selfless act subconsciously intended to exalt oneself; into a very honest, self-serving act, that standing openly as such, organically benefits the giver and the receiver in spite of themselves. Say what? How is that possible?
It is possible because our human brains are conglomerate structures that have accumulated mutations over time. At the inner core stands our instinctual processor that has kept us safe and alive through all of our timeline. A part of us that must be acknowledged and honoured but must not be allowed to act inappropriately in certain situations. Thus, being humans, all of us are prone to doing things that this very practical (read: “selfish in a good way”) part of our minds see as being beneficial to our own survival. In fact, this level of behaviour is the easiest to accomplish.
The trick is seeing that forgiveness is crucial to the survival and continued growth of the giver and that the grace granted the receiver benefits that person and the whole of humanity by extension, by reinforcing the fact that we are all human and all worthy of forgiveness.
Of course, this learning may be taken philosophically to an extreme, whereupon it will fall apart of its own accord. I am learning now that this is also as it should be and is quite normal. The reason is that these human practises are just that. Practises. They give a direction to proceed in but do not climb the mountains that must be unique for each individual. In this way we retain the miracle of a potential identity that always allows for more growth, rather than becoming peaks to be bagged, bought, taken or defended. It must not be any other way.
Now, forgiving can be like laying in bed in silk pyjamas listening to Debussy while eating crab cakes and drinking strawberry soda, rather than sanctimoniously scrubbing gastric stains off the carpet. We have done right by our instincts because now (and only now) are we free to go forward without the albatross of another person’s short-comings around our necks. We have also done right by the forgiven because we allow them to be human, which in turn allows us to be human and to continue growing through our own inevitable faux pas.
This way of viewing forgiveness rang the bell of remembrance in me as a recipient in the not too distant past. I was ignorant of the motivation of the benefactor at the time and even suspicious of that person’s motives. Now, I think that person was correct to chase me down the sidewalk to forgive me. I certainly didn’t feel that way in the moment.
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