Let's face it ladies and gentlemen, there are times when we are emotionally unavailable to our partners. You've likely done it and I know I have. There are times when our partners are also emotionally unavailable to us. In the grand scheme, I now believe that this as it should be, because it is a sure sign of growth and regeneration of stagnant parts of our spirit due to a plethora of reasons, regardless of our tragic, happy, absent or perpetual childhoods. Added to this, many of us are differently wired as to our cognition and perception such as folks going through life with autistic or Aspergian sensibilities.
I am hard-wired for physical loyalty without any effort on my part but at the same time I can perceive no difference in loving a woman and loving womankind. I can perceive no difference in loving a child and loving children. I can see no difference in loving my country and loving your country. I love my cat, Dusty but I love your dog also. That is where loyalty comes into play and rightly so, in my world view. I do not think I am unique in this outlook, as a man. Part of my desire to post this is to speak to some females who may have never encountered this aspect of masculinity. Yes, it is to honour my brothers at the same time as celebrating my sisters.
As a constantly married man since the age of twenty, I have never felt disloyal to my spouse from having mental, intellectual, spiritual or emotional intimacy with another human of either sex as long as it is honest, spontaneous and always maintains physical loyalty with respect of all partners as a ground. This is not always a situation understood or tolerated by many folks and I make no judgment on them. Their feelings are of course, valid. As a young man, I have been at times insecure and have seen myself as a wounded spouse until I grew slowly out of it and into my own security. One less dependent upon another person.
With this preamble, I will share with you a letter I wrote many years ago as a Christmas greeting ostensibly, but in actuality, an inadequate attempt to thank the feminine force of our world at large acting through a person near me. A force that protects and nurtures. A force that wants to see growth, health and happiness. A force that would deplete itself to fed another. A force that seeks naught and gives all. I call that force, "woman." I have corrected the original grammar, spelling and have clarified a few blurry parts.
I do not write as much about men because I feel it more rightly a subject to be treated by a woman. I mention this because we are all different mixtures of what we have come to know as feminine and masculine. The wonderful attributes of men could fill the same number of volumes as any treatise on women. The reverse is of course true. Here then is a letter to the positive aspect of the universal woman, who at the time of writing was embodied as a young woman twenty years my junior.
"A note to wish you Merry Christmas. I want to tell you that it has been wonderful working beside you. The way we came to know each other was random and quickly revealed your humanity. I was down for the emotional, mental, physical and spiritual counts and I was saved only because a person such as yourself handed me the sponge. I thank you for that and shall never forget it.
My heart has many rooms. One of them has your name on the door forever. I want you to know that, if you don't already. I am a loyal married man with a family and also getting silver-haired as I write. You are unique in my experience and I stumble in relating to you. You could have trampled me had you wanted to but you did the opposite. Indeed, you kept those at bay who would have been tempted by my weakened emotional state to do just that.
You are younger than me but much more mature than most people your age, that I have known. Indeed, more mature than I currently am in many respects. You are now (through no fault of your own) in possession of many stories from my life. That is certainly a kind of intimacy, although non-physical. It is what makes me able to write this to you.
I had a deep glimpse into you and it was enough for me to see what kind of woman you are. I am the type of person who must say what he sees, not what he's supposed to say. I could not head down the road to the rest of my life if I didn't tell you how much your kind heart, your wisdom and your feminine humanity has meant to me.
You behaved as a true friend and from my perspective, as a wife. I know that you have never married and I don't know if you ever will. but I can say with certainty that it will be a fortunate man who takes your hand. If you do marry, may the other party be worthy of your kind, strong heart. Take a tip from an old man and marry someone only a few years either side of you in age. Not for any societal or moral reasons, but because as you progress through time, the gaps in age seem to exaggerate differences in health, vitality and plain old zest for life.
So, dear woman, I tell you that it is a unique privilege to have known a person like you. You may count me as a friend who does not ever forget. There are many changes coming shortly and many more behind them, thus, simple things serve us best. They will be easier to keep track of in the coming waves of confusion.
My intent with this message is to say things that I feel it is not right to leave unsaid. Thanks for being you. Thanks for being a friend when I was drowning. Thanks for respecting my wife and my sons. Thanks for your maturity and integrity, as we are all human. I'll see you when we get to the other side and put on our wings to fly."
CODA: In editing this letter, many years after the fact, I can tell you, in case you ever see these words 馬薇薇, that I suffered our parting with an intensity of pain and loss that I had never known before.
fin