Thunder Bears No Ill Will

Lillooet, B. C. June 21, 2023

This divorce comes after sixty-six years of wait and see. Six and a half decades of maybe it will get better. Five and a half dozen solar circuits of stymied growth and a herculean struggle to heal. Understand therefore, that it is not a decision taken lightly.

First we must define the term divorce and to that end, Oxford Languages yields:

noun divorce: the legal dissolution of a marriage by a court or other competent body.

legally dissolve one's marriage with (someone).

separate or dissociate (something) from something else.

verb dissolve:

(with reference to a solid) become or cause to become incorporated into a liquid so as to form a solution.

(of something abstract, especially a feeling) disappear.

subside uncontrollably into (an expression of strong feelings).

(in a movie) change gradually to (a different scene or picture).

close down or dismiss (an assembly or official body)

annul or put an end to (a partnership or marriage).

noun (in a movie) an act or instance of moving gradually from one picture to another.

late Middle English (also in the sense ‘break down into component parts’): from Latin dissolvere, from dis- ‘apart’ + solvere ‘loosen or solve’.

verb disestablish:

deprive (an organization, especially a country's national church) of its official status.

(an institution, like a family) of its official status.

ex: “the Anglican Church in Wales was disestablished in 1919.”

verb deprive:

deny (a person or place) the possession or use of something.

Middle English (in the sense ‘depose from office’): from Old French depriver, from medieval Latin deprivare, from de- ‘away, completely’ + privare (see private).

adjective private:

belonging to or for the use of one particular person or group of people only.

(of a situation, activity, or gathering) affecting or involving only a particular person or group of people.

(of thoughts and feelings) not to be shared with or revealed to others

(of a person) not choosing to share thoughts and feelings with others.

(of a meeting or discussion) involving only a small number of people and dealing with matters that are not to be disclosed to others.”

The train of cognition from the word “private” up to the word “divorce" is a mental, physical, historical and social journey that will better inform you of my meaning, intent, inspiration and necessity, as you will notice how the meanings are interwoven and that many of their connexions are on a subconscious level most of the time, even when we employ these words in daily speech.

This is true of all words, but that is another essay. Suffice it to say, that everyone should coin their own words or clarify how the words they choose shall be interpreted. This is equally important for understanding the subtle effects of words that are used upon oneself by others.

I have been divorced twice before as may be ascertained by the first sentence of this epistle. The first instance was the ending of a childless marriage of eighteen months duration. The second instance was the ending of a marriage of five years duration that had blessed me with a son. I remarried and have been with my third wife for thirty-two years at the time of this writing, literally in sickness and in health. Our marriage has also blessed us with a son. I am now a grandfather to the precious daughter of my first son and his wife.

Those were civil divorces in the commonly understood context. That is to say, in the colonial, legal, patriarchal, religious and fiduciary context. Designed to preserve the status quo ante of that which came to be called civilization some five thousand years ago. So, what pray tell is my third divorce all about?

Put simply, I determined when I was but three years old that it was in my own best interest to leave my parents. In my best interest as regards my physical, emotional and mental health and safety. At the time, there was nothing I could manage toward that end, so I suffered migraines, anxiety, abuse, violence, neglect, nightmares and fear.

Around six years later I was approached by my parents to give an opinion on the prospect of them obtaining a divorce. My first question (after asking their definition of the word) was regarding who would live with whom. My impression was that my two sisters would go live with our mother and that I would be left in the custody of my father. In stark terror of even the slim chance of that happening, I lobbied with all my soul against their proposal and won the day to my enduring dismay.

I looked for and found surrogate father and mother figures wherever and whenever I was able. I developed a deep bond with canines and the cover of trees. Mother Nature was no metaphor to me and I have always felt safe in her magnificent bosom with the full awareness that if disrespected, she could crush me like a doodle bug.

By the time I actually did hop a Northbound freight train in Houston, Texas at fourteen years of age; I was pulled back into the familial sewer by the invisible leash of my upbringing. I jumped off a boxcar just before the engineer opened up his throttle at the last road crossing near our rental. Going forward, I self medicated with cannabis, tobacco and alcohol. All of which I have had to conquer or tame.

Now, forty-six years after my father’s suicide; my thrice-widowed mother is in her mid-eighties and my divorce from my parents needs to be directed to one person living and one person deceased. I have written previously of their good deeds and my best guesses as to what their own personal problems were at the time they were in charge of the formative nurture of myself and my two sisters. That practice is known as apologetics.

Apologetics is a religious discipline of defending religious doctrines through systematic argumentation and discourse. Early Christian writers who defended their beliefs against critics and recommended their faith to outsiders were called Christian apologists. Oxford Languages says:

Noun Apologetics:

reasoned arguments or writings in justification of something, typically a theory or religious doctrine. ex: “free market apologetics”

Well, now I make it clear that this is no apologetics treatise. I was trained by my father to stoically accept abuse and to blame myself from the age of three. I have written previously about the physical, psychological and emotional abuse he dealt me. I was trained by my mother's family and by my father to “look after” my mother when I was yet a child, perpetuating the myth of her helplessness. But now my leash has been chewed through by a blessed emerging sense of self worth. So, this is an old wolf howling at the moon as he limps over new mountains along his lonesome way. I see and take great comfort from my real Mother everywhere around me.

When I got married on a lunch break from work at twenty years old, my mother inexplicably chose that occasion to inform me that my father had sexually abused my elder half-sister for the duration of her childhood. I became incandescent. He took his own life before I could confront him, hence the need for me to write these words before I die.

HOWL

[Father, you sadistic, evil bastard; taking your own life that Summer was your final insult! Carrying your cardboard box of ashes home on the seat of a car was my first confirmation that most of the universe is actually empty space. I divorce you and release the last vestiges of your inverse Catholic poison. Away you and purify your soul!]

Ironically, according to a radio show I heard today, mothers are disproportionately blamed by abused children when they write their adult biographies, regardless of which parent dealt the most harm. By the time such an adult summons the courage and psychic fortitude to relate their embarrassing childhood familial truth, it is normal for the natural child inside to cry out in pain and anger to it’s mother.

Thus, mothers are blamed for both their abuse and for their negligence in allowing a man to abuse themselves and their children, although men are more often the active abusers. This parallax gives a skewed view of the data that lends itself to very malleable interpretations by government, social systems, business and religion. In my view, this phenomenon further obfuscates the paternal Abrahamic paradigm at the root of much of the domestic abuse that sullies our world.

HOWL

[Mother, you web-weaving, soft-bodied octopus, sucking the emotions of those around you while camouflaging your Scorpion sting; you played defenceless while your children were torn asunder by a procession of dangerous men. More concerned with appearances than with reality, you suffocate obedient placeholders with sticky sweet. You cannot change your manipulative nature and I divorce you.]

My parents, I release the pain I have carried all these years. My goodwill was genuine, as was my anger and my distance. Your choices and my circumstances while under your care made you anathema to me. The subsequent stress of suppressing the anguish evoked by contact with you both has been self destructive and has had a deleterious trickle down toxicity. I take full responsibility for my decision to divorce you. I did my best to honour you. Now, at sixty-six, I will honour myself for my remaining days. I want nothing from you nor from our shared past. And Mother, I wish to have no further contact with you.

Speaking and writing is a great responsibility that I never take lightly. I must point out clearly that reality is not linear. We may view it that way, however. As Celtic art so wonderfully captures for our cognition, children may raise their parents, enemies may prove reliable and friends may not really know us. Reality is a tapestry and no one perceives the whole save the Creator. We all may view it from every angle we can manage.

It is not my purpose to trigger negative feelings in anyone. I spent decades of hard work and self sacrifice forgiving my parents. What I have not fully achieved is to liberate myself emotionally and psychologically. I have been far too inhibited due to an abusive upbringing and the effect of "normal" culture on my particular sensibilities. My story is neither happy nor sad. In reality, forgiveness is the ultimate self beneficial act but requires one to transcend one's ego. Howling in pain at a tormentor is life itself being authentic. Both are necessary and both are practical. Who, in reality, is to say which should come first. Thunder bears no ill will.

Spirit: Guide, Keep and Heal all my Relations past, present and future.

fin